September

September seems to be a month that brings about sadness for me. I realized that this evening.
We were fortunate enough to have Ray stay the weekend with us. He's gotten so big and grown and smart-mouthed, all I can do is smile at him. But every time I look into his eyes, I can't help but see that baby we cared for tirelessly for two years. I can't help to think how it has almost been 1 year since he left our home and how painful that has been for me especially.  (I guess at this point I will only refer to myself because I am still not sure how my husband really feels about this issue. He does such a wonderful being trying to be strong for me that I sometimes wonder if he has any emotions or feelings of his own...)

We dropped him off at some unknown location in South Philly with his dad and we talked about not crying before the drop off. I explained to Ray if he doesn't cry that makes it easier for me and I will try not to cry as well. he said okay and kept up with his end of the bargain. I kindda kept mine. Let's just say I didn't cry a lot!

I'm just saddened by the events that took place last year in this month and I would give anything to have them back. Many people thought it was okay to joke about us having some new found freedom and not having to worry about being parents anymore and for awhile I tried to fake it and believe those very words. The truth eventually overrides those words and yes I would rather had continued parenting (minus DHS and all that mess). Yes, I would have rather continued to watch him grow up, take more pictures, visited more sites and done more teaching. I just would have preferred for things to stay the same.

September also makes me sad because I can't help but think about the baby we lost 2 years ago. I was told my due date was September 25th. I looked forward to welcoming a little one into our family in September of 2008 and  those dreams were shattered. I know the Lord is sovereign and all but give me a break! Two children have been taken from me in the same month. I only pray nothing crazy happens this year.
I always wonder when or if I'll get over these past events.

September, September, September...