So, What Did HE Say???

I am so broken right now, I don't know what to type...
God has been breaking me open through His word given by Pastor Mason and this book I've been reading (and haven't blogged about, Oops!) "The Shack". I'm not a big reader and I wasn't understanding how this book was "changing people's lives', or "God was speaking to them through it", it just didn't hit me that way, at first. Then Saturday...
This past Saturday, I woke up to NOTHING! Ray was gone, Kenny was out and I wasn't obligated to do anything. No working, no cleaning, no washing clothes, no cooking - NOTHING! So, after lying in the bed for an hour or so I decided to read more of the book. And this time I was going to take notes. Boy did God speak!

I don't really remember what part I was reading when God "opened my eyes", but it brought me to tears. As I kept reading I came aross a passage that spoke of responding a to lifes events emotionally because of how we think something is going to happen... At that moment it was as if Jesus Himself came and sat on the bed with me and we had a talk centering around my last 2 posts.
(Sharing this is really putting myself out there, but I do believe that God is using this blog as a healing resource as well as a way of keeping accountability. So as you read, PRAY and always PRAY for us)

First, God confronted me on the whole baby thing. A little while after I had the miscarriage (The Great Sadness), I told myself I wouldn't try to ever get pregnant again because I didn't want to have to experience that again. That's where the IUD comes in, 10 year usage, etc. The problem with this was I never shared this info with my husband, so when he came to me talking about wanting to have children within the next year, in my mind it was an automatic NO! In my mind, I set up not only a scenerio, but a lifestyle. My emotional response to The Great Sadness was to close up (literally) because I "knew" the outcome of a future pregnancy. My emotional response was totally wrong and ignorant all because of how I "thought" the end result might be - another miscarriage.
The Lord told me, I don't know the plans, He does and I need to trust Him with a future family, not mourn a child that hasn't yet been created, and apologize to my husband FOR SOMETHING HE DOESN'T KNOW!

So, out of obedience and brokenness, when Kenny came home I called him in the room and explained myself to him. I shared my secret with him, why I created it and apologized for being so selfish. My body is NOT my own, and if he wants to tackle this baby thing, we will do it fully trusting in the Lord and whatever happens happens! With a perplexed face, he accepted my apology and we prayed for God to have His way.

Secondly, Jesus brought up Ray's situation. (The Other Sadness) Again, all about my emotional response. I'm very angry at the situation as a whole and a lot of my time and energy is spent being angry. But again, my anger is a response to how I think the situation will end. Truth is, we have no idea what the end result will be. I fell like we're in a holding cell, not sure when or if someone is going to give us either an update or a final say. My anger is channeled towards Ray going to live in an unsafe environment because I have worked out a vivid description of how life will be for him away from us. Jesus kindly told me, He knows the plans for Ray's future and I need to stop making up stories and getting angry and sad over them.

Even while writing this, I feel crazy. I literally create worlds in my mind and live emotionally through them. Oh My Goodness!

I'm just glad I am saved and have the Lord to bring me back to reality and comfort me even when I make myself mad!

Now that's being Broken until Open. God has much more to do, but he's working on me!

Be Blessed!